Day: November 30, 2020

MS Reclamation

I Ghosted My Neurologist 💔

I don’t think he was a bad dude. It seemed as if in other circumstances he’d be fun and charismatic. He was engaging and interesting when speaking, self-assured in interactions, super confident. He was funny. He generally reviews very well for specialization in neurology, all signs point to him being a fantastic physician. Overall I really liked him. He just wasn’t for me. Whether it was the MS specifically that he was ill-equipped to handle or what, I couldn’t say.

Avoiding doctors, medical professionals, anything to do with white lab coats has kind of been my forte. When I was diagnosed, “they got me” was my first thought. I’d only ever take medication as needed, following directions to the letter, but I would refuse anything long-term. Medicine scares me. Doctors have been intimidating. It’s not in the phobic sense, just a profound discomfort with the unknown if something weren’t medically necessary.

I knew disease-modifying drugs would be medically necessary. (If you’re new here: “Goals of the MS medicines are a birth control pill against a future event”, credit Dr. Aaron Boster, “Potholes in Brain and Spinal Cord, a literal description about Multiple Sclerosis“.)

Strike 1: “It’s probably not Multiple Sclerosis, since you haven’t had symptoms before.”

During our first appointment, he had my medical history right there in a manila folder. I tried telling him no, I’d been having symptoms by that point for at least six years, my records from my GP years prior said “probable MS”. I needed an MRI, at the time I couldn’t afford one and didn’t have the insurance. I’d had symptoms over the years since, but generally under the same insurance-circumstances, or within a range of severity I could ignore.

It seemed like he didn’t hear me. I accepted this as what probably happened at the time, though since I feel otherwise. More like he’d made decisions on the course of how this would play out and nothing I said mattered.


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